I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
