I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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