he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
