My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
