he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
why do cheetos always look like penises
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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