By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
