I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
