wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
