atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize