so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
