I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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