I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
