I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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