You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize