my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
