I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
