I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
