The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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