she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
