I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize