Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
