i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
