I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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