i already hear my dad disowning me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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