I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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