Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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