Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize