after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
