I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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