Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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