I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize