if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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