I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
