It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
