and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
