Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
