bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
