So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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