she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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