I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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