And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
there is glitter all over my balls
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
