Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize