he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
