I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
