I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
