Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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