I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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