You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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