Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
