I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
