Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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