are you still at the devil's house?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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