dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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