I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
