you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
