Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
