the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't deserve a penis
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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