it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Randomize
