Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
