I think my fart just growled at me.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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