i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
