i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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