He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
