Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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