He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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