She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
