Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
