why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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