be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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