Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
