The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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