I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
